Why My Marriage Failed

It is interesting to look at relationships in the rear view mirror. They always say that hind sight is always 20/20, and I suppose that relationships are no exception to the rule. I have done a lot of soul searching over the last couple of years since I first said those dreaded words, “I think I want a divorce.” And I meant it. I THINK I want a divorce. (Note the emphasis there.) I wasn’t sure, but I knew things did not feel right.

Let me back it up for a minute- When I met my now husband, we worked together at a company that did not support relationships in the workplace. We had lots of laughs and we challenged each other conversationally, but we seemed to have very different interests at the time. Because we could not really be seen together for fear of work repercussions, we spent most of our time together at his apartment watching sports and movies and learning about each other through conversation instead of action. What I mean by that is, instead of saying “what do you want to do today” and then going and doing it, we would talk about what we would have enjoyed doing if we were able to get out and do stuff together. This is a really important part of our history, as it turns out. Life for he and I had its ups and its downs, but to be honest- the downs certainly seem to come to the forefront. We met and lived through the demise of an entire company that we both loved working for. The day they went bankrupt, I realized that it wasn’t just me that was affected, it was WE. Within a month, he stood by me during one of the hardest times of my life. My mother was diagnosed with cancer, had her right lung removed due to complications when they attempted to remove the upper lobe (with the cancer), and was put in a medically induced coma to give her a chance at survival. When they started to wake her up after about 5 weeks, my step father asked me to take him to the doctor because he was having some issues, and he was also diagnosed with cancer and had emergency surgery to remove his left kidney. I was dating my now husband during this time, and he was the one stable thing in my life. We ultimately ended up moving to Charlotte when I got an offer there, and we spent the next 2 years of our life there in relative solitude. I had work and after a couple months there he had work. We even had a few work friends, but none we spent any real time with outside of the office. I was on a journey towards fitness, and so I spent most of my time in the gym or at home where I could really control my eating and drinking the way I wanted to. Most nights were spent with me watching TV downstairs, and him upstairs playing games on his computer. This was our rhythm, and one we had become accustomed to. On the weekends I would go to the gym and go horseback riding, and he and I may go to the grocery store or to dinner together occasionally, but for the most part we did our own thing. We made a decision that we wanted to be in Richmond so that I could be closer to my mom and step dad, as their health was not the best. And so a month before we got married, I moved to VA and stayed with my mom. My then fiancé got a job at the same company about a week before we got married, and he started the day after we got back from our Honeymoon. Talk about a whirlwind! 

Where did we go wrong?

Let’s talk about sex, baby!

As it turns out, getting to know someone by conversation, when it is not backed up by action, creates some major challenges. When I say, “sex is extremely important to me, and I think it is the cornerstone of a healthy marriage” and then he says “sex is important to me too,” we may mean that in VERY different ways! In fact, that was the case for us. I have always been a sexual being that derives a true connection from sex. When you have a healthy sex life, it allows for room for other issues to be overcome because you have that crucial connection between the two of you. My husband and I had sexual issues long before we got married. He told me later, that sex just was not a priority for him. He said that his age made it so he was unable to satisfy me or give me what I needed. Because I loved him, I took strides to stifle my sexuality and sexual needs. I still tried to get him interested, there was lingerie and there was naked propositions. There were comments like “whatever you want, I will try it!” (Mom, if you are reading this- SORRY!) When I was rejected with nearly every attempt, I began to have my own sexual insecurities that I had never had before. A man not wanting to have sex? This just doesn’t compute to me. Women are raised to not just think that men want sex all the time, but to KNOW it. So that begs the question, “what is wrong with me?” More often than not, that rejection was met with my tears. Usually not in front of my future husband, but in my bed- alone.

When things got really bad in our marriage, one thing that he confessed to me was that he had been lying to me about his sexual issues, that he did want sex…. Just not with me. Now, he wasn’t cheating on me, you see… but he was self-servicing. Now- I know what you are thinking…. “Carrie, OF COURSE HE WAS! ALL MEN MASTERBATE!” Yeah, yeah…. I know. But, he had told me he wasn’t, and I believed him. After all, I also know that all men are sexual machines…. Right? But he still didn’t want me. He told me that I put too much pressure on him, that I could never be satisfied, and that I had caused this. He did say that he shouldn’t have lied about it….. (gee, that was big of him!) I was floored. I was crushed. I was broken. How could he lie about this? How could he watch me beg and beg for his sexual attention, and continue to turn me away? How could he listen to me sob into my pillow when he was a room away and not want to come comfort me? I had reached a point where I felt as though asking him for this attention was like asking someone in a wheelchair to get up and run a marathon with me- completely unfair and not even possible.

I still believe very strongly that a healthy sex life is an extremely important part of a healthy relationship, even more than I did before. After all, I thought that before in theory and now I know the reality of how detrimental a bad (or nonexistent) sex life can be on a relationship.

Lights, Camera, TECHNOLOGY!

Technology is the giant dog that lies between you and your loved one in the bedroom. You may be in the same place, but you aren’t really TOGETHER. This big ole dog drives a wedge between you and your significant other that can go unnoticed until it is too late. Sure, we all have cell phones, computers, TVs, and social media- but should we let this run our lives? Certainly not. Do we let it run our lives? We certainly do. When I think of the sexual dysfunction in my relationship, I cannot help but think if we had spent more time in bed together, that we naturally would have done the deed more frequently. After all, that is where the magic happens…. Right? Instead, I went to bed and he stayed up and played on his computer every night. Usually, World of Warcraft. He would wander into our room in the wee hours of the morning when I was deep asleep. I would be up, and active, sometimes even out of the house, before he ever even woke up. What if he had gone to bed with me just a couple nights a week? Would our story be different? When we were together, we were both on our phones. He would frequently tell me that I spent too much time texting or looking at Facebook, while he would be doing the same types of things. (We have always been good for pointing the finger at each other for some of the same behaviors we took part in.) We would be out, eyes down at our phones. How can you really connect with the person you spend the most time with, when you are engaging everyone on the internet before you engage them?? There is a simple answer really- you can’t. Now, I am not saying that you should go back to a home phone, a typewriter, and shut off the internet at home. (Though, how cool would that be!) What I AM saying is that prioritization is a choice. We need to choose more wisely.

What to do, what to do?

Here is a fact about relationships- it isn’t all about you. In fact, I now know that if I had focused my energy on making him happy and he had focused his energy on making me happy, we likely never could have failed. But we didn’t. We realized that when we were telling each other about what was important to us early on, we had our own interpretation of that. When I said “sex is important” and he said “sex is important,” we were both so impressed that we were aligned that we never wondered what the other person’s definition of “important” really was. When I kept asking my husband to go to events at the VFW with my family (that in fairness, were sometimes boring), he would stare at his feet and say, “if I have to.” Sometimes he would go, and he would sit there looking miserable. Enough times of that, and I finally started asking, but saying “you don’t have to go if you don’t want to.” Enough times of him taking me up on that, and it became assumed that he wouldn’t go, and I just started saying “I am going to the VFW with my mom and George tonight.” There is a breakdown here on both of our parts. When you are in a relationship, it is part of your job to do the things that you don’t want to do, and that may not be fun, because they are important to your partner. Furthermore, it is important that you suck it up, put a smile on, and have a good time so that they don’t feel burdened by the guilt that they “dragged you there” or that you “aren’t having fun.” We are adults, we have to do things we don’t want to do sometimes. Own it. Live it. That’s life. On the flip side of that coin, we all need to identify what is important to us. For me, it was important that we spend time as a couple with my family. I have very little family, even less now, and I wanted him to be an active participant in that. I let the discomfort of making that known rule me, and I became resentful of him not being an active participant in our life together. So if what to do is the question, the answer is always “do for your partner, because it will always bring you both rewards.”

Dolla, dolla bills ya’ll!

Yeah, you hear it all the time. Finances create issues for many, many couples. Now I know what you may be thinking- “Wait- I am not special here?!” Sorry to be the pin to your balloon, but no, you are not. I have come to believe that money can be a lynch pin in your relationship regardless of if you have too much, not enough, or juuuuuuuuuust the right amount. Unless you are the lucky few who have the exact same opinion on how to manage money, how to earn money, how to save money, and how to spend money- there will be some challenges to face. For me, I was never comfortable with joint accounts. I felt like my then boyfriend talked me into them, and I finally said, “ok, but we will ONLY use this for joint bills.” He said ok, and we went along like that for a short period of time where he put money in the account, but I was solely responsible for the act of paying the bills. Then one day called and said “can I use the joint card for lunch for my team.” Since we only had enough money in there to cover standard bills with a smidge of cushion, I opened the account online to check what we had available, only to find out that he called AFTER he had made the charge, and subsequently over drafted our account. I was livid. I calmly (har, har) made the suggestion that in the future he either choose to ask for permission, or beg for forgiveness…. But asking permission when you have ALREADY DONE IT is nothing short of infuriating. He lost debit card privileges at that point (yes, I know that makes me sound like a mother) and got them back the year we got married…….. only to do the exact same thing again. Ugh.

I would strongly recommend that you have finance conversations early on, and often. I didn’t know what his credit was like, he didn’t know what mine was like. Did we have debt or assets? WHO KNEW?!?!?! Not us, we didn’t discuss it. Honestly, I don’t know what the answer is here, I have yet to figure it out. How do you pay joint bills without joint accounts? If you have one person who is anxious about joint accounts, what is the most effective way to help them overcome that (if that is the goal)? I can tell you that our approach did not work. I constantly felt strong armed, and like a mother that was policing his every move. He felt like he did not have enough visibility and like he was working for money but had no idea where it was going each month. Both feelings were fair, but we never took action to solve for those issues………… all I can say here is to keep the communication lines open and find a solution that you are both comfortable with, whatever that may be. If you do give one person the control over paying the bills, make sure the other person knows what is being paid, when, and why. I can remember when my dad died and he had controlled all of that, it was a mess for my mom and created WAY more stress for her in a time when that was the last thing she needed. So- plan for the worst, hope for the best.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T!

Find out what it means to me, right?! Wrong again- find out what it means to you BOTH, and strive for it. One of the biggest issues in my marriage was our lack of respect for each other. He saw me as a woman who filled a role that he wanted for himself. I am social, educated, quick witted, charming, funny, I love to cook, I will clean, and his family (mostly) liked me. I saw him as calm, patient, smart, funny, and loving. He would be my cheerleader and tell me how much he loved my food and craft projects, and helped me to confront stressful situations with a more calm approach (which I badly needed to learn!). The fact is that he spent years taking advantage of me, and I spent years growing increasingly resentful of his lack of effort in our relationship. I began to feel like a mother, a maid, and a cook…. But not like a wife or lover. In turn he began to feel like a petulant child, always being scolded for his lack of action. I felt as though he pushed me into a place where I HAD to nag him. He has acknowledged that he did, because he grew up being nagged by his mother and to him, this equated to love. (Mothers- do women around the world a favor and don’t let your babies grow up to be cowboys adult man children who want their wives to mother them.)

Together we did a lot of damage to our respect for one another. We let each other down on all of the items listed above. I felt like I could not count on him to do what was best for us, so I began to feel like I HAD to take the lead. He felt like I only cared about myself, and did not consider his needs. I remember watching some interview of a celebrity where the woman said, “we both have very dominant personalities, but at the end of the day I am comfortable deferring to him because I know he will do what he feels is right for us and our family.” I started crying. I had never once felt that my husband would do what was best for US. In fact, I had gotten to a place where I believed he would likely just take no action whatsoever. This was likely accurate. If I consider what he would think, he likely believed that in that same place I would choose to do what was right for me, and he would simply be a bystander. He was likely accurate. I knew he wouldn’t voice an opinion (leading to my belief of how he would react), and I learned that his lack of opinion made it necessary for me to make decisions that I felt to be the best. At the end of the day, I still hope to be in a relationship where I can say- “…..at the end of the day I am comfortable deferring to him because I know he will do what he feels is right for us and our family.”

When the end is nigh

The demise of a relationship is painful for everyone. When I say everyone, this includes the couple, their kids (if they have any), their families, and their friends. In an ideal world, all of these people have invested their time and love into the couple, and they will suffer a loss when it is over. Some couples have some major event that causes a split. She cheated. He hit her. There is a thing that they can look back and point to and say, “there it is! That is the minute it was over!” The fact is, it was over long before that, or they never would have gotten to that point. Other relationships suffer a more obviously slow and painful death, like mine. “No one did anything wrong,” you say. “We just fell out of love,” you say. The path to the end is no different, it is only the last straw that looks different. For me, it was when he couldn’t prioritize spending a week with on vacation when I was begging for him to help me save our marriage. It was when I asked him to go to marriage counseling with me and he said he would, but that he wasn’t capable of anything I needed him to do. It was when I got home and said to myself, “ok, I can do this on my own… I can find a way to be happy this way.” It was when I stopped relying on him for anything, because that felt like a way to guard my own heart. It was when I started going to marriage counseling by myself to try to find a way to deal with my life the way it was. It was when he allowed ALL OF THIS to take place. He has said that he would rather be miserable with me forever, than to get divorced. The simple fact is that I do not feel that way, and I will not spend my life in misery just to be able to say I never got divorced. I deserve more than that. I demand more than that, and so should you.

Regardless of what the last nail in the coffin was for you and your spouse, it does not make it any easier to live through it. It does not make it any easier for those same friends and family. They will do their best to support you, but recognize that it is hard for them too. They want what is best for you, and everyone will have an opinion of what that is. It is ok to talk to people, it is ok to not talk to them. Do what is right for you. If they truly love you, they will understand. If you flip flop on your decision, they will still be there to support you…. But everyone will have their own opinion. It is ok to say, “I need some time, I need to look at this from a different angle, please be patient with me.” The real friends will still be there to support you, no matter what decision you make. I am lucky to be surrounded by such friends, and have weeded out some that weren’t in the process. 

Holidays... and keeping your eye on the turkey.. errr... ball. Keeping your eye on the BALL!

So... this is a preview of my Turkey day that I am SOOOO proud of... and a preview of me getting back on the wagon. As I sit here and watch The Biggest Loser 12, I am remembering who I was when I started this journey, and who I DO NOT want to be again. 

Because we were with Kyle's family for Thanksgiving, I wanted to do something with my family after the fact. Soooo.... I DID! Here, you can see the entire spread that I made for the event. Now, I will not say that everything was healthy.... BUT... I tried to make the right decisions where it was appropriate.

I made the following things that you will see me post about-

Brined turkey- stuffed

Home made stuffing

Sweet Potato Casserole

Asparagus

Rolls

Caesar Salad

Chocolate Opera Cake

I can tell you this... it was all a success!!!! I had an awesome time and was so glad that I made my family proud. As I look myself and my scale in the eyes (so... my scale has no eyes but you get the point!) I remember the day that I completed my "The Biggest Loser" application- one of the questions was to finish the following sentence- "Food is..."

Here was my answer- "Food is...." comfort, pain, happiness and sorrow. Food is communicating. Food is hiding. Food is telling people that you love them. Food is telling yourself you love you, but allowing you to continue hating yourself. Food is both amazing and evil, it just depends on the day. Food is the root of good, and the root of evil. Food is hatred and forgiveness. Food brings everyone together, and it pushes them apart. Food is about communicating, and the word I need to learn from it is "no!"

As you can see, I am going back to my roots that I had when started with this blog. I got a new gym membership on the wagon... and you can consider this girl BACK ON THE WAGON!

Forever Battle

Well, I know I have been gone for a while but I had some encouragement from friends and I really want to let you know what I have learned- Being thin is a forever battle. I know what you are thinking, because I thought it too- "Shit, really? That sucks!" And yes, really. And yes, it sucks! BUT... I can do it and SO CAN YOU! The day you realize you have gained some of that weight back that you worked SO HARD to lose, it is immensely frustrating. But, I hope that you A) avoid that after reading this bc you have been warned or B) that you feel the same way I did upon this bitter realization- "I am going to fix this now and not let it happen again!" It would be so easy if once you lost the weight that it just stayed off, but then would you really be "choosing your hard" then? I think not. Being thin and healthy is a choice that you have to make every single day. Some days you may choose to be more healthy than others, but you still have to make that choice. When you start flying by the seat of your pants and riding on the glory of the weight you lost before, it will creep back up on you before you can say "yes, I want fries with that." WAKE UP PEOPLE!!! LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES!

True to form- here is my story-

I lost nearly 100lbs (as you can see from other posts and pics) and since then, here is what happened. In the span of 30 days I got a new job, quit my old one, moved from Charlotte to Richmond and stayed with my mom for several weeks, started a new job, got married, went on a honeymoon, hubby got a new job (also in Richmond) and we rented and moved into a new place. HOLY CRAP! That was alot!

In that time.... I lost track of myself. Is it understandable? SURE! I was super busy... but that is life! I am big about not making excuses for myself, that is really what allowed me to lose all that weight in the first place. It is what allowed me to say "yeah, I am fat. So now what?" Well, here are the excuses I have been giving to myself for the last 5 months or so (stop me if you have heard them before... strike that... take a good hard look in the mirror if you have SAID these before)-

• I am too tired to workout
• I am too stressed to make time to work out
• I need to get dinner on the table so there is no time to work out
• I am in a hurry so I will just grab something for dinner on the way home
• I can eat this... now that I know how to lose weight, I can just get it off later (that one really stings when you realize how freakin stupid it is!!!)

Honestly, those are just a few. I finally had to accept that I was just being lazy. YES, I am tired and stressed. Yes, I do need to get dinner together and sometimes I don't have alot of time. However, if I plan ahead there are OPTIONS. I can cook meat in advance and throw it together with veggies in NO TIME. I get being tired, but you really will have more energy when you aren't so out of shape! Mind over matter! We make time for things day in and day out, make time for yourself and your health. NO TIME LIKE THE PRESENT.

This is my way of getting back on the wagon. I am back to eating right, exercising, making good choices, and drinking enough water that I feel like I am going to float away. I have decided that I am going to get back to blogging because I think some people like reading it, and I REALLY like writing it. However, I am going to mix it up a little. You all know I love to cook... so I am going to work on making this blog more recipe focused... and I am super excited about it. If you have thoughts or requests... let me know and I will try to put something together with a more healthy spin on it!

Helping your friends.....

One of my friends sent me an email where she mentioned the struggles of her friend and how she was trying to help her attain her goals of getting fitter and thinner. She was asking for any advise I might be able to provide for her to help her friend and here is what I responded with!!! Hope you enjoy!


1) Counting calories. I have used www.myfooddiary.com since I started my weight loss. I track what I eat.... EVERYTHING I eat. I found that we all think we are eating well because we over look the "just one." For me, "just one" was just one soda, or just one bag of chips, or just one cookie. It is the stuff you don't count when you aren't tracking what you eat. Make sense?






2) Small rewards for big gains. There was a time when at night I would drink a couple glasses of wine or eat a gigantic bowl of pasta and I would think to myself, "I deserve this..... I was good all day!" Well.... that is not really how it works. Being good for 10 hours does not mean its time to reward yourself! This is a life change..... not a daily one. I stuck to the plan 100% for one month before I gave myself a reward. And on the 30th day my reward was 1/2 of a diet soda. Soda was my drug, so this was a big deal for me. But allowing myself a treat did not mean I had to go completely overboard. 1/2 of a soda said "good job" without saying, "you can do and eat WHATEVER you want" because you did something right.






3) The art of telling yourself "no." It is as easy and as hard as it sounds. Yes, you want that cookie. You REALLY do!!! That doesn't mean you should eat it. So tell yourself "no" and feel good about it because in the place where you could have that cookie, you are having a grilled chicken breast and a yummy salad instead. Its ok to miss the cookie. But think of the bigger reward and be ok with the void that the cookie leaves behind.






4) Drink water. Drink lots and lots and lots of water. Lots and lots and lots of water. Drink it. A hydrated body is a happy body. Drink lots and lots of water.I think ya get the point on that one. HAHA.






5) Don't let one mistake ruin the meal, day, week, month, etc. Although we have already covered the rewards part...... that doesn't cover the whoops. Weaknesses happen. We all make mistakes. Don't let it completely derail you! Don't talk yourself into cheating. Eating one brownie doesn't mean the entire day has gone to the crapper. Should you have eaten it? NO.But does that mean, you "might as well have some more" since you already screwed up? Naaaaaa..... so scold youself, suck it up, and move on.














As far as exercise goes..... cardio is easier and not as likely to discourage your friend. It is little things.... like walking. On a treadmill or outside for 30 minutes..... it does not sound like much to someone that is thin or is used to working out..... but its a HUGE deal for someone who is not active and not eating right. Baby steps. It is hard for naturally thin or fit people to help those who its harder for. Even with the best of intentions, its hard to relate. The idea of "pushing yourself" comes naturally to some people. Others have to learn to do this. If they are pushed too hard by those around them, it makes them feel like a failure or that they will just never measure up. So for anyone trying to help a friend, remember to make the first steps small and achievable ones. Great intentions can land flat without helping people in the way that they WANT to be helped and in a way that makes them feel positive and like they can do it!!!!!

 

Crying in the Fitting Room

I am pretty sure you have read where I said that I did not realize how big I had gotten. And until just recently I really thought that was true!!! I kept saying, "when I look in the mirror I am looking myself in the eyes." I would say, "I knew I was big, but I just didn't really see it." Apparently I was a big fat (pun intended) liar! I recently went shopping for some capri pants since my old ones don't fit. Even now when I put on what I affectionately call my "fat pants", I really cannot remember myself being that big. And these aren't the type of "fat pants" that you save for PMS days, these are the type that I could probably wear with someone else in them WITH me. (Yes, really... albeit a very small person.)

As a result of my weight loss I have lost several clothing sizes, 6 to be exact. I have gone from an 18 to an 6 and I am still going! (WOW it was hard to type that out!) As I have been shopping I have really struggled with finding things that fit me.... mostly because I am not familiar with how things look when they are too big. It honestly confuses me when I look in the mirror! The first time I went into the fitting room and knew the clothes looked bad and tried on a size SMALLER (size 6), I honestly sat down in the fitting room and cried. After all... it has been a LOOONG time since I had that issue! I really never thought I could be this successful! I tried losing weight a million times and would lose a few lbs and then hit a plateau. Of course, now I know it was because I was not REALLY committed.... but I certainly felt like I was!

This process has shown me a new level of strength that I never knew I had!!!

The Changes

Yep, that is right.... there are LOTS of things that will change as you lose weight. Things will come back that you never realized you were missing. Here is a preview of coming events-

"Oh my GOD!!! I can cross my legs again!!!!"- Yeah.... right now you might be thinking, what are you talking about Carrie?? I can cross my legs JUST FINE! Yeah, sure you can. However, I am not talking ankle on the opposite knee kind of leg crossing. I am talking about sitting like a lady WITHOUT having to block your leg so it stays there. I remember last year when Kyle and I were flying to NY for Thanksgiving and all of a sudden I realized I had crossed my legs to stay out of the way on the plane. I looked at him and said, "OH MY GOD!!!! I CAN CROSS MY LEGS AGAIN!!!!!" I am sure the other people on the plane got a REAL kick out of that... but when it happens to you.... you will KNOW how exciting this new change can be.

"No need to rush ma'am, I will hold this door as long as you need me to."- This change is more subtle. Remember when you were younger (AKA Skinnier) and people went out of their way to do generally polite things for you such as holding a door or stopping as you cross the road? Yeah, it was a distant memory for me too! But in January I was going to a bridal show in Richmond and I realized that cars were stopping to let me cross the road. I noticed that this was something that rarely happened to me anymore. But it opened my eyes to the changes around me. I would stop at the gas station and some guy would see me coming from across the parking lot and he would hold the door the whole time! A few times I even jogged because I was so far away and the nice gentleman said, "No need to rush ma'am, I will hold this door as long as you need me to." WOW!!!! Being thinner sure does have its perks!!!!

"What is he looking at??"- Picture this.... I am walking through work and I notice this guy looking at my pants. It seemed odd but I did not think much of it. So the next time I pass the same man, before I can even get past him, I notice he is looking down at my pants and I am thinking "what is he LOOKING at?!?!." Now, we have all had this moment of panic. "OH MY GOD WHAT IS ON MY PANTS??!?!?! DID I RIP THEM?!?!?!?!" I promptly hustle to the bathroom to figure out what the damage is. As I am craning my neck around while in front of the mirror and seeing that there is nothing wrong, it occurs to me..... "HOLY CRAP!!! He was looking at my ASS!!!!" So as any self respectable woman would, I walk by him again. Call it a test, call it an ego boost, but yep.... he was clear as day checking out my derriere! It has been a while since I got checked out! I had not even REALLY realized that it stopped.... but I sure did notice when it came back!

"Woot Woot! Hey guuuuuuuuuuuuurl..... you lookin FINE!!!"- Yeah.... you knew this one was coming right? Well, after getting checked out by the man at work I became more aware of my surroundings. And as I was getting out of my car near a construction area I got cat called. You know what I mean ladies.... the "psst psst" or the "whooooo hooooo!!!" or the "woot woot! Hey guuuuuuuurl..... you lookin FINE!" Well... that last one, that was the first cat call I got in years. And I remember a time when I would have rolled my eyes and turned away. After all, this is what all thin pretty girls do. They are so used to the attention that it becomes an annoyance. Well, I stuck to my guns and turned away, but there was no eye roll, there was a BIG OLE SMILE! Yeah, it may have been a sketchy construction worker.... but that cat call shows me that I still got it!!!!!!

"Where did these towels come from?"- OK, so there was a time when I was thinking.... why do towels seem to be getting smaller and smaller? Yeah well now I know, the towels were not getting smaller... I was getting BIGGER! You know how you can wrap the towel around you and tuck the top in so it stays on you? Well, that was not working for me anymore. I had gotten so fat that the towels were just not long enough for that anymore! I will admit that as things have changed I have not always noticed at the moment they happened. But one day I look at Kyle after getting out of the shower and I said, "where did these towels come from?" It took a half a second of him looking at me like I was insane before it clicked. We have had these for 3 years. They haven't changed, I have. It is a nice change when you can lounge after getting out of the shower instead of clinging to the towel for dear life just to keep it on you!!!!

"Pants balls"- If you are smiling, you know where I am going with this. Big girls have to deal with something that skinny girls don't. Pants balls. You know that area on your pants that is between your thighs? Where your thighs rub together? Yeah... pants balls. Anyone whose thighs touch knows what this is.... this is where the friction from your thighs rubbing together 24hours a day causes your pants to beg for mercy in the form of little fabric balls on the inner thighs of your pants. In my opinion this is likely the best way to keep them from actually bursting into flames from all that friction! Jeans are a different story, they do not produce pants balls, instead they just wear down.... and one day you are sitting down to use the bathroom and you look down at your pants and you realize that the thighs are now see through because you have worn them down. Make all the excuses you want ladies, but I am going to tell you the HARD TRUTH... your pants are BEGGING FOR MERCY!!! Well, as I have been buying pants I have noticed that this is no longer happening!!! Think of all the clothes we will save with the weight loss!!

"Shoe shopping anyone?"- So you may look at yourself and think, "gee my thighs are big, gee my arms are big, gee look at my belly" but do you ever look at yourself and go "gee my feet are fat!" No? Well you should. A strange change was when I went back to wearing a size 7.5 after several years of wearing size 8. I remember thinking that my feet must have been getting flatter as I got older and that is why I went up 1/2 a size. Now I know the truth.... my feet were fat too! Bad thing, I needed all new shoes. Good thing, I needed all new shoes!!!! Happy Shopping ladies, happy shopping.

"Why are the pockets so tiny in these pants?"- Yes, really. Long story short, I have bought several pairs of pants over and over again as my sizes have changed. In particular, I have several different pairs of Old Navy pants, which I LOVE, at size 18, 14, 12, 6. I just like them that much. Now, I knew the pants would get smaller. But I DID NOT expect the pockets to get smaller. In one certain pair of jeans, at the size 18 the pocket nearly went half way down my thigh. I never thought anything of that until I got the size 6 version (exact same pants, different size) and the pockets are so shallow that I cannot even put my keys in there without some odd looking bulge! So it is official, these clothing designers specially tailor pants for fat girls. Apparently they knew we need deep pockets, after all, we are HUNGRY!!! We need SNACKS! They make deep pockets so that we can store twinkies and cookies and other JUNK in there! Skinny girl jeans, on the other hand, have TINY pockets. Apparently, all those girls need is a stick of gum in their pocket! I am tellin you... as you drop the sizes pay attention to this! It is really funny and I SO WISH I could ask the designers about this.... it would be like watching a bug squirm under a microscope! teeheee...

Use these examples as some small things that you will notice change as your body does. You may notice some of your own changes, but pay attention to them and SAVOR THEM! Because you will NEVER go back! I will NEVER go back! WE WILL NEVER GO BACK TO BEING FAT! Why? Because it sucks being fat... that's why!

What changed?

So I was just catching up with an old friend from High School (God love Facebook!) and she said, "what made you actually finally start and stick to it?" My answer? "I really just got tired of being fat." Simple enough. I know I have said it a million times... and undoubtedly if you are reading this you probably are on your own personal weight loss journey. (Or you REALLY love me... so thanks regardless of the reason!) But losing weight is a choice and that is the hardest part of all. Once you have made the commitment it is not that difficult, but there are mental and physical obstacles that you need to overcome too.

I dieted before... and that is what it was.... a diet. There was no lifestyle changes involved whatsoever! I would make better choices. Not good ones.... just BETTER. But that is quite simply just not good enough. Looking at a bucket of fried chicken and saying, I will have a breast instead of a breast and a drumstick is NOT a good choice. A good choice is deciding to have a grilled chicken breast instead. The GOOD choices are never EASY. So brace yourself for that!!! It may mean bringing food where you go. I am constantly armed with pistachios, an apple, some granola bars, and sugar free gum. These are choices that I actively make every day. To plan ahead. I do not want to put myself in a position where I will make the wrong choice and then either feel ill or be mad at myself. I remember a time when I would eat at Chick fil a because I thought it was a better option than other fast food places. And in all reality.... it probably is! BUT... it is not a GOOD choice! And my body KNEW it a couple months ago when I had 4 chicken strips! I might as well have swallowed a whole brick. Your body learns very quickly what it wants and needs.

I honestly cannot tell you what changed. When I set my original goal it was 81.5 lbs from where I started. I set an unrealistic goal. I never in a million years thought that things would finally change this time! But now I see the goal.... I am within 15 lbs of it! I CAN DO THIS! Now I feel like not only can I reach this goal.... but I can re-evaluate and possibly start again once I am there and aim to lose 10 more lbs! I am making the right choices.... my body is becoming lean and tone. I still have a ways to go.... but I am on the right path. I am a living breathing lifestyle change.

The worst and the start

Yeah so what kind of weight loss blog would this be without PICTURES?!?!?!
The picture with Brewtus shows me at my biggest. From that point I lost 10 lbs and that is where I started with this journey. The pic of Kyle and I at Disney shows me just days before I started dieting for real! Since there were several months between the first 10 and then starting again, I am not counting those in any of my totals.

My Choice

When I saw my fat Dr. the first time, he told me he wanted me to eat 800 calories a day for the first month. My jaw hit the ground and all I could think was, "I am pretty sure I had that for lunch yesterday!" He provided me with a list of foods to eat and foods to avoid. He also taught me a few new things about my diet and what I should be doing as well as a very simple exercise plan. Though I did not stick with the 800 calories a day and I decided against taking the phentermine that was offered, I did stick with some of the principles that he introduced me to. (On a side note- As far as diet drugs go, to each their own. My decision was this- why take these drugs to lose the weight and then be faced with keeping it off without the meds? It sounded like a recipe for disaster to me!!!) Below is a list of some of the parts of my diet:

- I count calories every day. Seriously. If it passes my lips then I put it into a calorie counting website. Even when I cheat or splurge it STILL goes into this site! After all, how else will I REALLY know what I am putting in my body?
- I eat a fruit or a veggie with every meal.
- I do not eat processed carbs with breakfast. If I eat a bagel, then that is the only thing I will burn off all day... I would much prefer to burn off my thighs instead!
- I now drink skim milk, fat free yogurt, fat free sour cream.
- Cut out red meat with the exception of VERY lean cuts. I pretty much only eat chicken, turkey, and pork with veggies.
- I cut out almost all processed carbs. ie- pasta and bread. When I do choose to have these things, they are always whole wheat and it is a rare treat.
- I drink AT LEAST 2 Liters of water a day. I know what you are thinking, yes... I spent half of my day in the bathroom at first. But your body gets used to it. I bought a gallon pitcher and I keep it on my desk so I do not have to get up to refill my glass. I also gave up drinking Soda which was a HUGE change for me! I was a self proclaimed Diet Coke junkie! I could easily drink a 6 cans a day. I quit drinking them all together at first and now I have maybe one a month as a treat.

So here is the hard truth that all of the diet specialists and trainers won't tell you- Dieting is hard. Dieting is not fun. If it was fun and easy then everyone would be skinny. The hardest part is learning to tell yourself "no." In this case, you are your own worst enemy. It is so easy to think "oh it's just one cookie" or "oh I will just have a few beers with my friends." Until you know what effect that one cookie or those few beers has on your body, its easy to not count them as part of what you had that day. Now when I look at a cookie, I know that I could have that OR I could have a grilled chicken breast with asparagus and a salad for dinner. I will be honest with you, sometimes the cookie is really worth it! But I make that decision consciously and I adjust my diet for the rest of the day accordingly.

It is not the worst thing in the world for you to go hungry for a little bit. You won't actually starve. Trust me. Americans as a whole have become such major over eaters that it is a MAJOR change for us to eat a smaller (and healthier) portion size. Our stomachs are stretched to a point where you will feel hungry from time to time as you make this change in your life. My suggestion- Suck it up, drink some water, and deal with it. I do not subscribe to "eat when you are hungry," because lets be honest, that is what got you in this position in the first place! Do not misconstrue this.... I am not advocating starving yourself.... but I am saying to give your body a chance to get balanced again. Ask yourself this, "am I really hungry or am I just bored/nervous/sad/depressed?" We eat for such a variety of reasons that we almost do not know the difference any more! Drink some water, chew on a piece of sugar free gum to try to curb the hunger and then eat a healthy, normal meal later. For instance, I no longer snack in front of the TV. If I am really hungry I commit to eating in the kitchen. That way I am satisfying my hunger and not satisfying my boredom. When we look at food for its nutritional value and not for its comfort level, we make better decisions.

Defining "Choose Your Hard"

My friend Casey and I have been dieting together since 9/15/09. That was our D-Day. Casey was one of my best friends in high school and we lost touch during college, then came together again in 2003 after we had both graduated. Back then we were still fit, tho not the slender versions of ourselves that we had been when we graduated high school 4 years earlier, we were still pretty darn fit. You could find us on the bar dancing and drinking away until all hours of the night every weekend! It was great to be young and alive with the excitement of being with our friends!

Well, when I moved to Tennessee a few years later, we had a falling out and lost touch again. It was not until Circuit City went down and I was spending some of my unemployment time with Kyle at my family's beach house, that we became reconnected again. Ironically enough, Casey had worked at Circuit as well, but since she was in the financial division she saw the writing on the wall long before the company tanked. Not me tho!!! I remember saying, "I am going to stick with this ship until it hits the bottom of the ocean like the Titanic!" In retrospect, this was probably not the best decision I have ever made. That aside, everything happens for a reason and this brought Casey back into my life because she was offering to help find me a job. Well, though she did not get me a job we spent alot of time discussing how things have changed and how we both got fat!!! (FYI- if you are uncomfortable with the use of the word fat, I suggest you either get over it or delete this blog from your mind all together! I use the word fat because that is exactly what I was! God love those of you that want to say I wasn't, but for me... self acceptance, awareness, and acknowledgment is part of this process.) Admittedly, Casey had better reasons for her body changes than I did, she had twins in the years that we were not talking! HOLY COW!!! But both of us candidly admitted that the spare tire we were carrying around was more a result of Big Macs and beer than anything else. So we decided to take a stand and make a change and in September we both started dieting and reporting our results to each other. Those of you that are friends with my on Facebook know that I have also been "keeping myself honest" there as well, but this is all part of my process. Casey and I had both tried to lose weight on our own, and now we were each others diet buddies. We were going to be brutally honest with each other, call each other out, support each other, and knock some sense into each other when necessary.

I cannot take credit for the blog title as it is something that Casey heard along the way, but it is so completely true that I have adopted it as my life mantra. "Choose Your Hard!!!" In this scenario, consider this- Being fat is hard, losing weight is hard, and maintaining weight loss is hard. Choose your hard. It really is that easy!

If you have ever been fat, you know how hard it is. Many people feel trapped, embarrassed, and uncomfortable in their own skin. I have been here! It is sad to go clothes shopping. It is sad to go to theme parks because it is uncomfortable to fit into the seat. You hate flying because you hate knowing that as you walk down the aisle there are people thinking "please don't sit next to me, I don't want to be squished for this whole flight!" You wonder if this is the time that you will need a belt extender to make the belt fit you. You cannot wear the shoes you want because the weight has started to hurt your joints from the sheer pressure of it all.

As hard as it is to be fat, it is even harder to make the choice to lose the weight. You have to acknowledge the problem and confront it head on. There are lots of people who diet without ever addressing why they have gotten to the point they are at and without being honest with themselves about how big of an issue it really is for them. For me, the hard part was setting a weight loss goal that was almost 100lbs from my current weight. As big as I was, it seems that everyone underestimated what the scale was actually saying about me. It is a blessing and a curse because even tho no one knew how bad it had gotten, I did. I still had to face that scale and deal with all of the emotions that entails.

Maintaining weight loss- This one I am projecting my ideas on, since I have not reached that stage yet. But I know that when you get to the goal there is an instinct to want to celebrate. I mean.... you just reached your GOAL WEIGHT!!! (I have one main goal but I have set several smaller goals along the way) It is so hard to settle down into the rhythm of keeping the weight off. The goal is different, the rewards are less obvious. This what they mean when they say it needs to be a "lifestyle change" (but we will get into that more later on).

CHOOSE YOUR HARD

And so it begins...

So I have spent alot of time sharing what has been going on in my life recently. I have used FB as an outlet but I thought I would take the inspiration of my friend Sarah and begin a blog. One of the ideas I have toyed with recently is becoming an inspirational speaker, so this might be the first step down the path for me.

For those of you that don't know me, and some of you that do, this will begin as the story of my weight loss journey and who knows where it will go from there! After all, I won't need to lose weight for forever!!!

In September I decided to go see a "fat dr" here in Charlotte. Now, he prefers to be called a Bariatric Specialist, but lets call a spade a spade.... I have NEVER seen a skinny woman in his office. I have told him that he is my "fat dr" and he is ok with it, especially when I tell him that one day he will be my "skinny dr." I will tell you all what I told him and hopefully that will help catch you up!

"I am the story you have heard a million times... I used to be skinny and fit. I rode horses and worked out every day. For that matter... it was fun! But then something changed... I do not know how it happened, or when it happened, but I felt like I woke up one day and I no longer recognized myself in the mirror. Please help!!!"

So that is the gist of it. Once upon a time there was this skinny and pretty girl named Carrie who rode horses and could do it all. Then she went to college, drank some beer, had quite a few injuries, and then WHAM!!! She was no longer the skinny pretty girl, she had completely morphed into the funny fat girl. It all came out of NOWHERE!!! Now, do you believe that? Because I sure don't! I did turn into the funny fat girl, but it most decidedly did not come out of nowhere. Sure, I had injuries and other issues and stresses to contend with, but EVERYONE does! The point is that when given a choice, I was not making the right decision for my body and for my health. I remember saying, "its just too expensive to eat healthy all the time" and "I just don't have time to work out!" These are valid issues, time and money are two big deterrents, but they can be overcome if you REALLY want to! So going forward you will see how my choices have changed... some of these will be in retrospect as I am now 6 months into this... but you will be a part of my story as I laugh, love, struggle, cry, cheat, and repent my way through this phase of my life!